Selfish Grief

I realized this morning when writing to a dear friend (revelations often arise when I'm working through something with her, she's just wonderful that way) how much I'm missing my mom lately. It's been hard over that last two month, of course, but for whatever reason the last two or three weeks have been by far the most difficult. Maybe the shock has worn off, maybe there's less and less to do but whatever it is I'm missing her more than I feel like I can handle. It's not all the time, it comes in waves, but when it's there it feels awfully heavy. It's the I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed sadness that makes everything better when sleep is near by.


As I wrote this out to my unbelievably supportive and loving friend, the Lord spoke so so clearly. While my heart is so heavy, it's selfishly heavy. I'm sad because my mom's not here with me. I'm sad for the things that I will go through and my family will go through that she won't get to see, that I won't get to talk through with her. I know exactly where she is and I know she's doing better than she ever was here. I didn't want her here longer in more pain getting more and more sick. I don't want her to be less joyful and happy than I know she is now with Jesus. I just want her here for my comfort. I've never been so happy to see my own selfish heart. I'm not unfamiliar with my selfish, quite the opposite actually, but seeing and knowing that I'm sad for me and not for her might be the only comfort that could really be helpful to me in those dark moments.


Knowing that it's ok for me to sad and miss her, but that she is SO much better and happier where she is now helps to push away the bitterness and anger that so easily finds it's way into my mind to speak lies that I'm quick to believe. How people go through any loss without hope is beyond me. I'm so grateful my God is one of patience that will continually remind me of His promises when the sad feels to heavy and the lies seem so true.


"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18