Proverbs 31

"When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness." - Proverbs 31: 26

That's what my mom was like. She spoke wisdom and instructions/criticisms were clothed in kindness.

With Mother's Day so close, she's coming to mind more often than usual. While missing her, I'm certain, will never stop and while sorrow still comes and goes, more and more of her character is seen and her impact on others has become more visible.

"Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." - Proverbs 31: 28-29

Remembering who she was as a wife, a mother, a friend, and a follower of Christ is inspiring and so encouraging. While it seems unfair at times and I miss her so much, I'm constantly reminded of the blessing I had in her for more than 23 years and the impact she's left on me, my family, and those around us. I want people to read Proverbs 31:26 and think of me when I'm gone, just like I think of her. I've never met anyone who better emobied the Proverbs 31 woman, and I'm so grateful for the example the Lord gave to me in her.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." -Proverbs 31:30-31

Milestones

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 62. It's been 2 1/2 months since she went to be with the Lord and it's funny how these milestones have started to come up, where the usual things that we would do are no longer part of these days.

Today there will be no off-tune singing of Happy Birthday or eating a birthday dessert. There will be no gifts and silly cards. There will be no jokes about getting older or teasing because of my dad's cheesy cards.

There are tears and there are smiles. There is heartbreak and joy all in one big, confusing wave of emotion. There is still a family. There is remembering and laughing and rejoycing and mourning.

There is a lot of thankfulness. Thankfulness for the almost 62 years she spent on Earth, for the 30+ years of marriage she shared with my dad, for the 20+ years she shared with all 4 of her childrem, for the 40+ years she spent committed to Christ, for the hundreds of lives she's impacted.

But mostly there is hope. Hope that we'll see her again. Hope that this is her best birthday yet. Hope that great things are coming from our great loss.

Selfish Grief

I realized this morning when writing to a dear friend (revelations often arise when I'm working through something with her, she's just wonderful that way) how much I'm missing my mom lately. It's been hard over that last two month, of course, but for whatever reason the last two or three weeks have been by far the most difficult. Maybe the shock has worn off, maybe there's less and less to do but whatever it is I'm missing her more than I feel like I can handle. It's not all the time, it comes in waves, but when it's there it feels awfully heavy. It's the I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed sadness that makes everything better when sleep is near by.


As I wrote this out to my unbelievably supportive and loving friend, the Lord spoke so so clearly. While my heart is so heavy, it's selfishly heavy. I'm sad because my mom's not here with me. I'm sad for the things that I will go through and my family will go through that she won't get to see, that I won't get to talk through with her. I know exactly where she is and I know she's doing better than she ever was here. I didn't want her here longer in more pain getting more and more sick. I don't want her to be less joyful and happy than I know she is now with Jesus. I just want her here for my comfort. I've never been so happy to see my own selfish heart. I'm not unfamiliar with my selfish, quite the opposite actually, but seeing and knowing that I'm sad for me and not for her might be the only comfort that could really be helpful to me in those dark moments.


Knowing that it's ok for me to sad and miss her, but that she is SO much better and happier where she is now helps to push away the bitterness and anger that so easily finds it's way into my mind to speak lies that I'm quick to believe. How people go through any loss without hope is beyond me. I'm so grateful my God is one of patience that will continually remind me of His promises when the sad feels to heavy and the lies seem so true.


"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

A Bittersweet Christmas

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

About a year and half ago, right when I was coming back from Africa, my sweet mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. After about 6 months of treatment, she was unofficially cancer free and in remission. At her three month check up this last July, we were hit with the news that her cancer was back and stronger than before, this time on her liver. She went to see specialists in Texas to decide if there was anyway to remove the cancer via surgery. The answer was no. She came back to Albuquerque to start chemo treatments again in order to hopefully shrink the new tumor enough to surgically remove. As we all prayed and begged the Lord to heal my mom from this exhausting and often painful sickness and treatment, the Lord quietly and gently said no. In October, the doctors changed her chemo treatments in an attempt to buy her more time rather than rid her of the cancer that was not responding to the original treatment. The doctors thought that she had maybe two months or so left with us here.

The new treatment did what it was supposed, putting a sort of leash on the cancer. It was still progressing but much much slower than it would without the treatment. We prayed and prayed that this treatment would be less trying with it's side effects than the last and that my mom would make it to my brother's wedding on December 17th.

She did. It was a beautiful day. She LOVED seeing my brother and his new wife get married, despite being the weakest she'd been during the last year and a half. The Lord was gracious giving her enough energy to painlessly make it through the gorgeous ceremony and reception. Unfortunately, over the next two days she became more sick and was in more pain than she'd ever been in since the diagnosis and treatments. Monday morning (December 19th) she was back at the hospital where her very sympathetic but realistic doctor told us we were down to 2-3 days probably. As devastating as that news was to my family and me, she was ready and she told us so. Her faith was amazing. She told us that in all the time she'd spent talking with the Lord about her sickness and asking for healing and relief from the pain, she felt like He'd very clearly told her that He was going to bring her home from this not heal her of it.

That same Monday, my mom was sent home from the hospital and the next day we started her at home hospice care, where she would be cared for and her pain would be managed in the comfort of my parents' home with all of us around her. My precious, selfless aunt (my mom's sister) stayed after my brother's wedding to help with whatever we or my mom needed. What a blessing she was to all of us!

Each day last week, my beautiful mama was getting worse and worse, but passed the 2 and 3 day mark. We were so comforted by the graciousness and empathy that my mom's sweet hospice nurse showed us. Assuring us that while it may seem different, we were giving her enough pain medication to ensure that she was comfortable and completely pain free. What a relief and comfort that was for my family and me.

The afternoon of Christmas day, my mom went to be with Jesus. With my brother, sisters, dad, aunt and myself gathered around her bed, she breathed her last and the Lord took her home. While my heart is broken at the absense of my mom here with me know, I'm overjoyed and rejoicing with her as she's been welcomed into heaven by her Savior. No more pain, no more sickness, and no more tears for her ever again. What a beautiful gift, that the Lord would take her home to be with Him the day that we celebrate Him giving us Jesus. We are grieving the loss of a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend, know that we are so so comforted by the fact that we know exactly where she is and that she is doing better than she ever has. We are so thankful that she was able to be at my wedding and my brother's wedding, and celebrate both those days with us.

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, oh death, is your victory? Where, oh death, is your sting?'" - 2 Corinthians 15:54-55